Rangers To Make Purchase of Breathing Passes Mandatory (Satire)

March 17th, 2010 by Greg Caggiano Leave a reply »
***Warning: The following is satire and is not based on any true events…yet.***

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—Rangers owner Jim Dolan has announced today that due to the likelihood that the Rangers will be missing the playoffs this season, he will be forced to take action.

In order to make up for lost playoff revenues and the fact that he will not have an excuse to raise ticket prices next season, he announced that the team will be selling Breathing Passes next season to all fans, and they will be  mandatory at the start of the 2010-'11 season.

If you do not have one, you cannot enter the building.

These passes must be separately purchased from the tickets and will be scanned at the main entrance. They will not become active until once you actually enter the arena. The technologically advanced cards will measure how many times you breathe.

Fans will have to pre-pay how many breathes they want, and when the amount runs out, oxygen supply to the brain will be cut off until they are renewed.


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